The restraining order is over. It’s been one year. Will you reach out and contact me? Will you not? This is the part no one can answer for me? They say just wait. I am terrible at this. I like control and to know what is coming. I prefer to know but my insides tell me I need to……I know it’s a trick. I don’t need these things. Youve been gone for a year. And I’ve been healthier, happier, calmer. And at peace. Feeling sand and carpet, tile, and even wood floors. I notice what is beneath my feet. In between my toes. I relish knowing, actually, because I used to walk on glass or a top a pedestal where I had been placed to be a queen. Perfect. Lovely. Hair highlights perfectly placed on each strand. Curls and light waves made by my wand so he could have a woman with beautiful thick locks of golden blonde hair. His dream. And most every mans. (Porn seems to have helped this dream or desire) my makeup lightly applied but enough to show him I woke up and put my best effort into looking young and beautiful for him. My Mary Kay cream and my dark circle corrector. Adding some nice light lip color and adding tint to my brows and some light shadow and always giving my lashes a pop of color to brighten my eyes. I wanted him to see me. To see me outside and then to ask for permission to get to be inside me. Physically, emotionally, and all the ways any husband could be. I loved him and desired him so deeply. I waited and told myself each day. Tomorrow I will try again. When years went by and toxicity was high and anger and resentments ruled our spirits and roamed in our home. We walked away from eachother. Now, what would we say. 1 year later. Removed from one another. Changed. Would we step down from the pedestals. And be seen. Fully known? Would we allow another to be human. Flawed. I’m not sure.
This article was so profound for me. It spoke on what I fear most. But also what I long for most in my relationships. Intimacy. Intimacy that allows us to “see into” who are partners and our relationships really are and allows them to “see into” us as well. I have struggled for some time with the “emotional intimacy” in my relationships. Letting my guard down. Being exactly who I am. Putting words and expression to what is within my soul at the present moment. Out of fear of rejection. Growing up in a home where I had feelings of instability and rejection as a young child for sharing my vulnerability I became fearful of what and who I was in my soul. Now I am understanding the very best person I can be is myself. The truest and lovable version we all are is our being. We are loved and will always be. Rejection is an illusion. We are not rejected any more than we can be accepted. I mean that as in the acceptance of who and what others see us as is not the importance of our life. Our identity and souls are linked by love and humanness and we can not be rejected for being truest to our selves and our own souls. I am beginning to understand I was most comfortable with sexual intimacy as it was an insatiable hunger I had for my partner that momentarily filled my emotional needs but would yet again leave me hungering for the emotional intimacy that I so longed for. The connection of being seen for my soul and how my mind and thoughts and emotions flowed. Attraction and sexual chemistry came so easily for my partner and I. It was there and It felt almost like we were transcending in the moment. That closeness. But after I wanted to be seen. To be heard and to know more about him. But I was terrified to let him see me. I wanted something from him that I myself was so terrified to give up myself. I feared sharing my vulnerabilities and being rejected as I was as a Child. Or not having it returned. Or having it used against me like it was at times when I was a child. So many fears. But I see now, that hiding emotionally is not living. I was merely existing. I wasn’t living out my soul. I was being who I believed others needed me to be. Fulfilling others needs and staying on a pedestal or in a box. Not making waves. Being careful not to upset or be rejected by sharing my light and my story and my emotions. But I am me. I have a soul. And I don’t want to Hide. I’m worthy of emotional intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy. I am worthy of spiritual intimacy. I am worthy of Intimacy. I will not hide from intimacy. I will challenge my fear. ❤️Continue reading “What I want most is what I fear most”
As I work through and process what emotions come in waves. I wonder to myself these temporary feelings. That weave and wane through me. As I process and question where and what has caused them to arise within, how is love so different? Love I am learning is not a feeling. It does not weave and wane and change like the moon. It is a choice and an action. It just is. For instance. God is LOVE. God never changing. Steady. Constant. Mathew 28:20 I am with you always. That verse brings about a feeling of LOVE in me. Comfort. But it is not love. It is an attribute of love and a reminder. It is the character of God. Who perhaps god is and what he stands for. Love is everything. It’s what we live for and what many of us die for and strive for and would do anything for. Love is at our very core who we all are. God created us to be Love. And I believe we are here to find our true soul our connectedness to love, God, and others as one. Our purpose here on earth. As we live, grow, and leave this earth our journey is all about that. We sort through so many emotions, trauma, ups, and downs and distractions all along our journey. But eventually it all comes back to our truth. Love. Presence. And consciousness.
Tomorrow is my weekly therapist appt. and her and my schedules have been off and I’ve had two funerals over the past month so it’s been more than 3 weeks since she’s me. So tomorrow’s session feels like a “where do I even start” or an ambush. Like I almost have to prep myself before I even walk into her office. Because she literally has to ask me the question. “How have you been.” And then That is when it happens my mind just kinda blanks. It’s such a loaded a question. And to be frank. If i May. I’ve been quite like a lunatic. Up, down, upside down. Outside of myself feeling. Seeing two people I loved dearly under 35 years old within a couple weeks of each other lying cold and lifeless in coffins….it did something. Something to my soul. As in shook me. To my core. Awakened some new and old feelings. Things I hadn’t felt before and some old feelings I hadn’t felt with. I mean fuck. And don’t get me started with the questions that began in my mind. And then my focus was out the window. I feel like asking me to concentrate on one thing at time is like asking me to bench press 250 lbs. Impossible. My mind at night was incapable of shutting off even with my breathing techniques and body relaxation. Phoning a friend, yes thank you Regis! I tried all my tools and wound up Area 51. Panic attack central. It was as though I was 5 years old again, at my grandmas funeral and realized what death was and how people were buried under ground and how we all died and this can be a bit unsettling when you have two parents like mine. By that mean two parents who are void of meeting a child’s emotional needs. And had no close how to comfort panic and anxiety attacks over death when I was so small nor did they have any clue when they continued after that point. They just assumed as they did with all things. Sweep it under the rug and ignore. Well I’m an adult. And when I was at these funerals. I couldn’t ignore my heart, my tears, my fear, pain, loss, grief. The panic. I was scared. Death to me is something. I had placed meaning on the word. And the event as it was in my mind. I had made it this big permanent and scary event. Tied to trauma and my five year old self. I associated it with no control. And I think I still do. I mean, you hear the old saying people say, nothing is for sure in this world except for death and taxes. Well that saying has always brought about great distress for me. Because it kinda means no matter what we do it’s coming. And there’s no control. And when you grew up like me, in a home where you were controlled by two overly controlling parents and 3 older sisters and then went on to two controlling husbands and multiple controlling boyfriends….it’s hard to be without control. This is the first time in years. I have had no one controlling me. And telling me when, where and why. And I think it’s really thrown me for a loop. But also saved me at the same time. Helped me Realize control is an illusion. Perception is reality: those people that were controlling me were only as in control as I allowed them to be or as I believed them to be. But in reality. They weren’t in control at all. You can’t truly control another human being. I allowed them to be as in control of me as I perceived my need to be until I was perceiving myself as ready to Be in control or “functioning” as an independent being. Not codependently functioning by letting them make decisions for me through fear, obligation, and guilt. Tomorrow’s session will happen and it will be good. It’s always good as long as you show up❤️
In the past 3 weeks I have felt and grieved loss I didn’t imagine a possibility in my lifetime. My great nephew (9 years old) his father was shot and murdered at (28 years old) and my long time love and ex boyfriend lost his six month battle with lung cancer at (35 years old). I found out nearly one week apart. I felt like my world had shifted. As soon as the tears began to lift the grief-clouds were there to remind me that this was real. I took a 5 day road trip/journey to Georgia to honor my ex and go to his funeral. It was lots of time in the car to think and in that time it unearthed pain, fear, loss of control (an illusion) but one I have clung to too since a small child. It sent me spiraling into panic. I felt weak. Small. And the sense of comfort was nowhere to be found in my fourteen hour drive to Georgia nor was it in the funeral home or the casket where I viewed the tragic remains of what cancer had left behind of my beautiful, Chris’s earthly vessel. I searched the funeral room. Scanning every eye. Knowing surely these windows to the soul should reveal something or someone that felt this panic and seemingly hopeless future without Chris’s soul and earthly presence. I stared and they stared back. But their conversations once again began with others throughout the room. And I began to lose myself inside of my head. Spiraling with thoughts of why? Why do our souls leave? What happens when we all leave this earth. And there is no more? No more nothing. And no more time. And then I began to panic further. If I can’t control time, space, destiny, eternal life, etc. And I don’t have definitive answers for the future and where all souls go—-I’m going to suffocate at this very second. And then I began to really panic. (Panic attack) I had grown up in an environment where my parents controlled me and then I was married and he controlled me. And then here I am…1,000 miles from home and I’m staring earthly death in the face. And I’m feeling and trying for the first time to accept this loss. And Know control is an illusion. But I’m resisting it. I’m fighting it. And what I resist persists. So I begin to yearn for my comfort. Not me controlling but being controlled. Someone telling me you are fine I will take the reigns and the control. Mission completed. My ex husband. My comfort and controlled environment that was so much like my up bringing. And I was so confused as To where these thoughts and feelings were streaming from? I mean hadn’t I tried to leave my ex husband 7 times? Hadn’t I seen and witnessed things that made sense for why this was necessary and healthy for my soul? But in my current state you couldn’t have told me other wise. So as I’m in the process of grieving my loss of my dear loved ones. I went back to read my restraining order. The document that I had wrote from a factual and objective place. I am not saying these labels or words are who my ex husband or I am. They do not define our relationship. I am however leaving the pictures here. Because they are a reminder of my objective point of view of patterned behaviors and facts that I had to give as my testimony on paper to a judge to protect my soul. (Fact). My feelings over my grief process will wain and change from moment to moment and I will be here in the moment for myself. I will stand beside my soul. I am here. I am present. That is all I can say and I can be accountable for. What will be will be. That comfort I was going to try to run back toward and trying to seek. That was my old patterned behavior resurfacing at the moment. (Fact) I was panicking. I was in fear. I was resisting the present moment. Fact.
💔 Seven am came too soon as I hit my off button on my phone and willed it to be a dream. All of this. The phone call, the news of Chris having cancer the past 6 months and undergoing chemo and pain, the morphine induced coma, the life sustaining oxygen being removed. And his death. Let his death be a dream. I want to wake up. But I knew all to well as I pressed the off button and looked beside my bedroom door, there lie my luggage and my funeral dress. I turned my face away from the image of it all in disgust and busied myself to get ready for what I knew was going to be a road trip that I would not want to remember. I looked in my mirror and stared straight into my eyes. They betrayed me. They were windows to my soul and the light blue pigments began to pool with water as I stared back at my reflection. I longed for him. I breathed in deeply as the tears soaked my cheeks. I longed for the man in the images that flashed of him in my mind. Of the first time I saw him in class in his tan tee and clean shaven face with his tight toned muscles. And him being my teacher I would blush every time I sat down in class because he had that effect on me. The first time he drove up in his Ford F-150 ( he named (Toby) for football practice on base at shady-J and I heard that sweet southern Georgia boy drawl. My heart melted. The time he kissed me in the deer stand and said quit making all that noise with your crackers in that wrapper! You’re gonna scare any chance I got at killing a buck! The way he looked at me the morning after we drank moonshine at some bonfire and he said ya know I ran my truck into my front porch last night? That scared the shit out of me. But it was the best night in the world with you. The way he would put his hand into mine while he was driving his truck or open the door for me. The way he would hold me when I missed my family while I was homesick in the Air Force. These memories and flashbacks make me smile but they make me yearn for him in ways I can’t explain. 💔 I have six more hours till his service tomorrow. I wish it wasn’t to say good bye.
I got a call at 10:00 am this morning from a dear Air Force friend. He said, he hated to be the one to deliver the news but he didn’t want me to find out over Facebook. He said he knew how much, Chris meant to me. My breath stopped. I felt my stomach drop as he told me that Chris had been sick with Cancer of the lungs for months. And was undergoing chemo the past 6 months. He said the chemo had taken nearly 40 lbs from his already slender frame. He explained his breathing was being sustained by an oxygen machine and that they were going to remove it later today or tomorrow once his family arrives. They had already flown his brother in from the Marines to be by his side. Chris was in a morphine induce coma to help with the pain and to help comfort him during his passing on. Sven gently gave me the news but the pain coursed through me as he continued and the tears and hurt were with me. I said the only words I could. I was sorry and I loved him. I would always love him. Chris was my first for so many things. My first dear stand date, my first date to the fair, my first time trying moon shine, my first time dating a man in uniform, and he was so gentle and sweet to me. He was a gentleman in all ways. Taught me a lot as a young Air woman in the Air Force and also as young woman and as girl friend. He was a protector and taught me a lot about how a man should treat a woman. Opening doors, paying for her, and treating her with respect. He would comfort me when I cried and ask me things to get to know me. He would hug me and hold me and I believe genuinely cared for me by his actions and words. Was it perfect? No. did we work out? No. But did we love each other for a little while? Yes. And do I still love him. Yes. For always he will hold a special place in my heart. My first real date and a man who took me places and held me in his arms when I missed my family so much I thought I would burst. I was so far from home and he knew what that felt like. He was a good man filled with heart and love and kindness for others. A man who served our country beside men and women of the Air Force. I’m proud to call him a friend and I’m proud to say I knew him on an intimate level too. He let very few people close to him. I’m thankful he let me close to his heart. He had a beautiful one. I will miss him. Dearly. Fly high with the angels, Chris. Always in my heart. All my love, Meghan.