This week more than any other week, I feel has been about acceptance of my grief, acceptance of the entirety of all the losses encompassing my divorce, and the grief associated with accepting the loss of my hopes and dreams that I had wrapped into all of this. You see I wasn’t even entirely sure what I had kicking and screaming about inside of me still. I think it all just got to me. And on Mother’s Day as I tried my best to hold myself together I realized my marathon run was over. I could hide from this no more. The pain was there I was going to face it head on. I was going to step into the unknown. And believe me, God is restoring me through all of this. I wrote all my dreams and losses and sent them as a prayer to heaven. All my love, to the ones that I wanted to keep so dearly. I have to give them over to the one who can keep them safest and love them the best. God has it from here. I trust. ❤️ fully letting go. And believing in the process. And the journey. 🎈
Our parents tried very hard to make us believe a lie. That we were only allowed to have our worth tied into someone that we co-signed on their abuse the same we allowed with our parents. Our parents built us up in an environment to believe we only deserved a relationship with those who functioned and were wired like them. And they trained us that we were and are responsible for everyone’s feelings and lives. And we have a responsibility to them and their happiness. And if we fail, We are unlovable and failures. Our upbringing is built on a lie. And our marriages were built on faulty ground that would not stand the test of any true hurts that the world threw at it.
My new unchanging and foundational truth: God’s truth is what I need to rebuild my lives. Not the hurt and lies I was told by my parents. The world. AA, and addicts. I know God’s truth is real and solid and will keep me grounded on solid ground and will keep me mentally and emotionally healthy for the entirety of my life. God’s truth is stable and won’t change. God’s Truth matches His actions and His words. Congruency. I will build my life on Him. ❤️
This was my first Mother’s Day since 2016 that I haven’t been showered with love from a Skype call or just knowing I’m cared for and needed by what was once in our marriage (two crumb snatchers), (B and P) The Loss of my marriage was devastating and coming to terms with the entirety of ALL the losses was even more devastating if there even is such a thing. The loss of my hopes and dreams. The loss of the life we shared and built. The loss of our family. (Us) this realization didn’t hit me until 7 months post separation. And 4 months post divorce. You see, I could tell you it was over. And explain that our dreams, hopes and family would be no more. But, I wasn’t telling the truth. My survival instincts are in full survival mode. You know, the ones our parents engrained in us. My parents taught me that if we avoid it and pretend it’s not there and move fwd, we will be fine and we are better for it. And……This is a lie. It hurts you so much. I ruminate and obsess to try to bring my self some sort of comfort and reality and idea of control when everything seems so inconsistent because I have placed myself in relationships with people with nothing but inconsistencies. I need to allow myself to ask myself what does the truth say? What do their actions and fruits of their life say? I don’t need to be in relationships or adding people into my life or circle with inconsistencies that allow me to go into my survival mode (ruminating-thought obsessing) trying to make sense of their jackassery. If I am hurting I want to be brave and accept that is what I’m feeling and not run from it. I want to better understand how to let it move through me naturally. Knowing and trusting that it will pass. Giving the emotion and myself the time I and it need. And yes understand that it’s difficult but that I am capable.
I’ve never really been great, or so I thought, At hiding my feelings or expressions. But it turns out one thing that I’ve heard from people repeatedly since my marriage ended, “we had no idea” “you both looked so happy” I guess my masks and my people-pleasing were in full effect. I had fooled them. And no, Not on purpose. But, like most, I had hopes and dreams inside of my heart that if I worked hard enough for my husband and for me that eventually it would get better. That it would all get better. These are some of my hopes and dreams that I had to let go of (that died when our marriage ended) 1.) that we would move closer to his children and help coparent and raise them together and become grandparents one day❤️ 2.)that with him agreeing to regular licensed counseling and medication (I already do both)- we both could be the healthiest versions of ourselves and take care of each other and ourselves in a way that God would absolutely be proud and on board with. 3.) we could grow financially stable and as a team side by side and he wouldn’t be fully dependent on me for finances throughout our marriage 4.) that the lies would stop piling up 5.) that he would begin to make decisions as man of our household and leader and begin to help me feel as secure as I had him. 6.) that the verbal, mental and emotional abuse would stop once I confronted him and told him I knew what he was doing and that I wanted it to stop. 7.) to be seen, heard and valued as husband and wife. (A connection)
The hardest part of going through a divorce is everything. There’s no part of this grief and pain that doesn’t shake you to your core. None of it is linear. Day to day I can’t tell you where my emotions are. But I can tell you I have had to surrender/run daily to the pain or away from the pain. Depending on how I wanted to cope that day. I have admitted that for much of this grief journey I have ran away from this loss and pain. Denial. The pain and loss was too great to feel. But I am here now. I have had to understand one of the greatest losses I will have to feel in this life is a death to someone that is still alive💔. I am grieving the loss of all my hopes and dreams. And my relationships I built alongside him, connections with our mutual friends and our family members, and it hurts my heart. It aches deep within. And as I let go and accept all of this is gone and will never be, I accept that I love myself enough to move on. No more masks. No more saying I’m okay when I’m not. This is me. Broken. A mess of heartache. But I have much to be thankful for.
As I sat there listening to my good friend explain how her day went, I heard in her details and in her voice a hurt. Familiar. In the way she was describing the details of the room, and the feelings she had and the way it was for her. I could see it all. And tears began to well up as I imagined the pain she must have went through. I thought of that old cliche, “misery loves company” and I just don’t understand or comprehend that saying. Because as I listened to my friend. I hurt inside and wanted and even prayed for God to bring about a miraculous change in my friends life. One of healing that would make all her suffering fade. I wanted nothing more than for her and I not to share this misery together because for some strange reason it was oddly cruel to know that two of us had been dealt such shit parents and even more shit husbands and we had loved so deeply. And this Loss we both felt was heavy. Misery doesn’t love company. Misery is suffocating and it’s sad. It envelopes you like this burning hot lava all over your body. With a vengeance that I can only explain as pure and deep hatred for having betrayed yourself to believe that you were being loved when you were truly being lied and cheated in this life. I won’t accept misery as my company. I will only accept vulnerability, change, growth, healing, and words that match actions. I accept me. I love me. All of me. I’m proving this each and every day.
Nearly two weeks ago I came fwd at a new church I was attending and asked for prayer and forgiveness of my past and my traumas. And that God would forgive and Heal me of my past traumas. Two people of the church spoke beautiful prayers of God for healing and anointed me with healing oil. I can remember crying as I let out relief from hearing their prayers and feeling their hands on me and knowing that God was listening and would deliver on his promises to heal his child (me) and (for where two or three are gathered in my name I am here.) and over the last two weeks I have watched in my own life as a difference in my heart and mind have begun to unfold. Forgiveness continues to pop up in nearly every podcast and in my therapy. On memes. In scriptures and in my mind. In songs. In workbooks. (God’s way of saying not only am I forgiven but he calls on me to Forgive as he has forgiven me) He has been working on my heart. Softly needing it like dough. Preparing me to forgive. As he knows the scars and resentments run deep like poison-but he continues to need at my heart and soften. He knows my needs. He shows me the scripture. He reminds me of my inner most pain and deepest hearts desires and I’m softened to the core and know forgiveness is not just wwho I am. It’s not just a need. It’s a part of my integrity. I’m in his image. Relenting. Kicking and screaming when I’m in the torments of my hurt and pain, but when I relinquish all control and realize the hurt isn’t all about me. I can see past the pain-to what’s going on. My fear of being unloved and God shows me his word and his truth saying, I am loved. I am His and He is mine. Although things got bad and my heart torn and tattered and trampled. Those scars look identical to the ones my father, (Christ) bore for me. He loves me like that! We have love in common. He loves like me. With a fierceness. And he forgives. And I can too. He heals! And I can too. So as these last two weeks have unfolded my cold and stealy heart has begun to soften and forgiveness and healing has begun to permeate throughout. And tears have poured down my face on so many days-as I’ve had to drop my tough girl mask. I’m strong, but I’m also real soft. I’m fierce but I’m also forgiving. My hurt and need to release the pain and anger and resentment and my need to cry. To cry and forgive. My tears. My forgiveness and my healing will all be used for the most beautiful purpose. A story of beautiful redemption for Christ’s glory. I believe.